Looking Back

I got an email from one of those places online that tracks your high school chums.. (yes, it's probably the site you're thinking of ... but I'm not going to mention it here because I don't want Goggle to find it..)

But I've been finding Myself looking back a lot lately.. First, I got an "out of the blue" letter from my ex-wife, second a long time hangout that we all used to hang out in is being torn down and lastly -- the entire notion of going to My upcoming reunion.. All of those things have crashed in one form or another in the span of just over a week..

And I have a great deal of mixed feelings about it all....

Out of the Blue: This past year would've marked My 10-year wedding anniversary.. The date came and went -- I actually missed it as it went by.. And when I did remember it -- I nodded and shrugged it off.. We didn't part on the greatest of terms, for reasons I won't extrapolate here -- but suffice to say there was a lot of stuff that I had to process before I moved on.. And I did.. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't clean, it wasn't easy -- but I safely stowed all of the resentment, all of the anger and all of the lies .... everything was processed, dealt with and otherwise handled..

So her letter came as a surprise and was unexpected -- and yes, I was taken aback by it.. It's the first contact I've had with her for over 9 years.. I mulled it over that night, talked to danae about it, and continued to process it like I had done years before.. There was no angst, there was no anxiety, there was nothing on the horizon that would affect Me any further.. I was just feeling a little shell-shocked more than anything.. Her letter invited Me to email her - and I felt compelled initially, but that feeling has since waned.. I re-read her letter the next day and I reviewed the points she was making and it was clear that her reality was much different in handling what happened between us than what actually happened.. I don't fault her - nor do I feel compelled to correct her -- because it serves no purpose except to pull back those layers which have healed successfully already and cause some additional scorching.. Right or wrong - I think I've made the right choice there..

The Old Hangout Busted up: My folks have long since told Me that a mall I frequented was being torn down.. At first, I was like: "okay, cool, whatever.." And it didn't bother Me.. When I was over there this past week however, I felt a sadness, a sense of emptiness that one of the places I went to all the time -- was being dismantled.. Twisted steel, broken pieces of concrete, mangled drywall and other fixtures where slowly being brought down -- almost as though with ballet precision between the immense machinery.. A lot of memories:
- The book store
- A music store
- An old Woolworth's and Wag's restaurant
- the courtyard fountains
- the echoing hallways where I performed several concerts
- the theater
- Montgomery Ward's and other big chain stores
- Orange Julius
- A comic book store
- Round the Corner burgers

Gone..

It's dark passageway was now split open exposing the chambers and recesses to this kind of light for the very first time since it was built in the early 1970's.. The landscape was being flattened and otherwise re-shaped for the new businesses and high rises that will soon takes its place..

It might seem funny to have such grief over the collapse of a building like this -- but the memories seemed to dissipate in the dust covered debris -- almost being lifted away from its stoic conception -- being free.. I wish I could say that all the memories were good in this place, but it was a safe refuge for My Mom and I -- as we would make it our "Friday treat" to go there, to window shop, grab a coke or something, and just walk around because we really didn't have any money to do anything else.. It was free entertainment -- in preparation of what was about to happen later in the evening...

...because we knew that My Dad was partying late into the night .... and if he was doing that, then life would be hell for My Mom that evening and possibly for the rest of the weekend.. My Dad is a very angry, impatient drunk -- and would take it out on My mother and us kids (but mostly on My Mom..) So there's some mixed feelings as My Mom and I looked at this hallowed land -- we know what happened, we were there.. Over 25 years have passed since those fearful times - I wish I could say that My Dad changed for the better ... but that wouldn't be true..

That class reunion thingy...: Which brings Me to the last tidbit here that I'm wrestling with the most.. The reality of one's class reunion is predicated on the belief that: "we all change.." And for Me, that's exactly right on target in so many ways that would probably cause people to drop their fork on their plate with their mouth agape.. Because even as far back as My marriage -- just barely 10 years past -- I'm so incredibly different in just a decade much less even beginning to try to relate to that guy who ate his sack lunch in the empty auditorium each day..

I was back in high school -- and I realize deep down .... I'm not supposed to.. But I can't help the belief that people go to these things fully expecting to see: "oh my god she's changed so much" to "oh my god he's gotten so fat!!" And we're right back why I avoided this crap in high school: I simply despise the notion of going to these things as merely a means to determine how much of a failure you are in comparison to your classmates.. And please don't mistake what I just typed -- because deep down, I hardly consider Myself a failure .... but I don't need the social comparisons to figure out what caste system I currently belong to now..

I am My own person - and I really like who he is..

So while others might use this as a time to "catch up" -- I simply don't have that desire built-in at the moment.. I don't keep in contact with the friends I had back then unless they need My help to get them out of whatever jam they found themselves in.. I was a very shy, kept to Myself, kind of guy.. I didn't really associate with any one particular crowd and I found great peace by just being by Myself.. Why consume Myself with the ongoing political correctness in trying to "keep up with My chums" just so that they can bask in the glow of their various trips to Italy and Greece while showing Me pictures of their 3.4 kids?? What is with this incessant desire to share every single morsel of your life since high school?? It's 20 years later -- I'm fat, I'm balding, My life has had more twists and turns than a Grand Prix race -- and yet I don't feel the need to have any part of My ego stroked for "doing well" or by realizing that I'm more successful than Brian who was the brain of the group -- who is currently a convenience clerk at the local supermarket..

But when I look at the big picture - only one or two of My classmate friends even know that I'm in the lifestyle and even then - that was extremely painful to admit to them.. I have no idea if that knowledge has since circulated among those that I would consider "My friends" -- but ultimately I don't care.. What I do care about is the incredibly horrific thought of swimming with the 'nillas for a "fun-filled evening down memory lane" just makes Me want to take in a night of forks scrapping horizontally and vertically down some blackboard somewhere while amplified by a megaphone..

I fully realize that some people look at reunions in a much different, more positive light.. But if the message boards are any indication of the drama that generally happens at these things ... then I think I'll be busy that weekend..