The Tapioca Poly Problem

I realize that there's a perception out there that everyone in the bdsm lifestyle "must therefore be poly...." *sighs*

Generalizations kill me.

Whoever slapped that label on all of us -- deserves a pretty hefty beating. Unfortunately, if it's a perception issue then I'm afraid there's nothing any of us can do about that. People will think however they want to think -- and that's that. But the over-generalized label is heavily flawed because:

for (1) one, it's inaccurate
for (2) two, it's a matter of choice between consenting adults.
Lastly (3), poly isn't for everyone - just as much as the lifestyle in general isn't for everyone.

It's really that simple.

Not everyone likes tapioca pudding -- so why does it have to be on everyone's tray in the buffet line?

Answer: It doesn't.

But then why are these folks that don't like tapioca pudding sneering those who partake in the tapioca pudding?

Ah, herein lies the rub. It's this kind of useless "us vs. them" bullshit that is entirely unnecessary. What is so incredibly difficult for some folks who simply can't respect the lifestyle choice of another? It's unfortunately not just a matter of respect as it nearly mimics the like of an all-out flame war where: the folks on "that" side try to dissuade, ridicule or even condemn poly folks from participating in THEIR lifestyle of choice. Conversely monogamous type people shouldn't be pressured or coerced that they HAVE TO BE poly minded. It's ridiculous to make someone they don't want to be -- so WHY?

C'mon folks, we're playing in the same sandbox. Play nice!

*sighs*

There's the fundamental basis of want, need and desire - that should at least be respected by both sides of the issue. We have to respect each other's path and realize that no one way is better than the other. It just happens to be right for *us* (you, me, the person sitting next to you, them) in that moment.

Period.

Whether your poly or monogamous -- what matters most is that you're on the path you choose to be on. Let the powers happen as they will just like is does with everything else in the lifestyle ... that's how it works.

Unfortunately the criticisms don't stop there as there are those that think that if you're engaging in a polyamorous dynamic - then you're somehow damaged for wanting to do so. Why is that? I can't help but think of all of the different ideological sources that lead folks to their conclusions about "the dangers of polyamorous relationships" in the first place. I do believe that there are always the horror stories that circulate like the one where:

"the Dominant sought to restore stability in the primary relationship by introducing a third person into the dynamic."

It's perfectly legitimate to ask the $64,000.00 question of "WHY?", what is the rationale and explanation for changing the dynamic to include another person? It's a straight forward issue - and hopefully absent of the warning bells in our scenario up above. Unfortunately it's instances like this - that don't help the perception of poly.

If a dynamic hasn't seriously considered all of the ramifications, hard work and possible avenues for the added dynamic -- then that situation may have more than a handful of stumbling blocks. Because when you consider the intricate nature of relationships between JUST two people -- those complexities multiply in triplicate in a multi-dimensional relationship. Every single one of the basic canons of our relationship principles are instantly amplified: honesty, communication, and trust. Even your typical play-partner arrangement has some degree of negotiation, contemplation and an exchange of thoughts, concerns, feelings and ideas. The main point is to ensure that the balance remains and doesn't suddenly teeter or shift.

Poly families that have successfully extended their dynamic to include others have worked extremely hard to make that happen. It takes a very solid foundation with continual maintenance on the basic tenets of relationships in order to make it work. It's unfortunate that there's the stereotype that all bdsm relationships are polyamorous -- because I do respect the monogamous-minded folks out there and I completely agree that they should be able to practice their monogamy as they wish.

They don't have to have tapioca if they don't want to -- but please maintain some civility to those of use who do want it.