The Evil of Fetishism

First -- a definition by Merriam:

"an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression"

In a discussion about fetishes, a question arose. At what point does a fetish cross the line from simply having an interest in something? For a fetishist, you're almost always crossing that line.

danae has never came across a fetishist before she met me and to hear her say that made me incredibly uncomfortable because it just sounds completely freakish. All of a sudden I'm feeling very self-conscious again as I face the reality of: "I can't NOT engage sexually without the fetish, the image, the thought, the visual, the act..."

But I find that it's not a matter of preference.

For as long as I can remember, I've always had to have the visual in my head: the picture, the sensation, the "thing." And by admitting that - it seems so incredibly wrong. That's because whenever one uses the word "fetish" or "fetishist" there always seems to have the negative stereotypes like: "I can't orgasm until I smell stinky feet," or "I have to rub myself in Vicks vapo-rub just to get off..." Not that I'm trying to demean or disrespect those that have those particular fetishes -- for me, there's nothing "self-erotica" about it.

For instance: I love hoods. I love latex. I love tight shiny spandex. But I do not have a fetish of wearing hoods, of wearing latex or wearing tight shiny spandex. Nor do I wrap my cock with pantyhose and masturbate to that. All of my fetishes are engineered with a partner in mind. The visual, the scenario, the outline of my kinky thoughts are voraciously wrapped around another participant (and yes, multiples therein) so it's never solo act. Otherwise it would be simple to merely have the interaction with that particular fetish gear item and be happy as a clam. But, that's not what it's like for me.

Everyone is a little bit different though. Some fetishists merely need the "thing" with them without any other human contact. I can surmise that it probably has a lot to do with a lot of solo masturbation throughout the years -- creating the story in my mind so that I can relieve the tension in my body through an orgasm. Those images play an important part if terms of getting my body ready to cross over the point of no return.

But those mental images necessarily have to be complex in origin. It can be as simple and benign as just having a collar and leash, clothed, or not -- with the fixated item is the collar and leash. Other times it can be much more involved with having danae in a hood, tied spread eagle, nipple clamps, rope harness, naked except for a pair of satin gloves while she's being tormented with a hitachi wand and having her pussy spanked. It just depends.

Sometimes my fetish visions extend beyond the set of the scene itself. Things like the idea of extended play, permanency situations, objectification and modifications that can send me into orgasmic orbit!

There's no real rhyme to it - but it's always there.

Being a fetishist is not nearly as difficult as it is to be living with one. I acknowledge this. There's the perception that the *thing* is somehow more attractive than the person.

I know how that reads.

Ultimately I don't blame anyone who might have bad things to say about that.

It's hard to describe why my body doesn't react the same way other "normal" people. The only thing I can offer is that my brain simply won't let it. That's not to say the vanilla-side of making out doesn't turn me on. Without a doubt, I get very aroused with the touching and the kissing, but those things alone won't even take me near anything to the point of orgasm. Maybe it's an embedded requirement to have some sort of mental foreplay arranged in my head so that I can come quickly so that I don't wear down danae's arm or mouth.

My mind takes over at that point and sends me over the edge. This has been my life for as long back as I can remember.

Fetishists need to be aware of how our process affects those around us. As consuming our fetishes can be, there has to be a degree of awareness of how it affects the relationship. Understanding the basis of our fetish is the first step, learning to incorporate those fetishes with those who we want to be sexual with - is also important. But lastly -- as impossible as it might sound, fetishists have to come at least part way to appreciate the connection of one-on-one physical contact with our mates. Unless you're so absorbed into your fetish that you don't need the contact from the outside world -- then let's not forget the rewards for having excellent companionship.

Having someone who understands our fetishes is so incredibly wonderful! Don't waste that chance you have for companionship by living your life alone in the closet. It's simply not worth it in the end.

The Tapioca Poly Problem

I realize that there's a perception out there that everyone in the bdsm lifestyle "must therefore be poly...." *sighs*

Generalizations kill me.

Whoever slapped that label on all of us -- deserves a pretty hefty beating. Unfortunately, if it's a perception issue then I'm afraid there's nothing any of us can do about that. People will think however they want to think -- and that's that. But the over-generalized label is heavily flawed because:

for (1) one, it's inaccurate
for (2) two, it's a matter of choice between consenting adults.
Lastly (3), poly isn't for everyone - just as much as the lifestyle in general isn't for everyone.

It's really that simple.

Not everyone likes tapioca pudding -- so why does it have to be on everyone's tray in the buffet line?

Answer: It doesn't.

But then why are these folks that don't like tapioca pudding sneering those who partake in the tapioca pudding?

Ah, herein lies the rub. It's this kind of useless "us vs. them" bullshit that is entirely unnecessary. What is so incredibly difficult for some folks who simply can't respect the lifestyle choice of another? It's unfortunately not just a matter of respect as it nearly mimics the like of an all-out flame war where: the folks on "that" side try to dissuade, ridicule or even condemn poly folks from participating in THEIR lifestyle of choice. Conversely monogamous type people shouldn't be pressured or coerced that they HAVE TO BE poly minded. It's ridiculous to make someone they don't want to be -- so WHY?

C'mon folks, we're playing in the same sandbox. Play nice!

*sighs*

There's the fundamental basis of want, need and desire - that should at least be respected by both sides of the issue. We have to respect each other's path and realize that no one way is better than the other. It just happens to be right for *us* (you, me, the person sitting next to you, them) in that moment.

Period.

Whether your poly or monogamous -- what matters most is that you're on the path you choose to be on. Let the powers happen as they will just like is does with everything else in the lifestyle ... that's how it works.

Unfortunately the criticisms don't stop there as there are those that think that if you're engaging in a polyamorous dynamic - then you're somehow damaged for wanting to do so. Why is that? I can't help but think of all of the different ideological sources that lead folks to their conclusions about "the dangers of polyamorous relationships" in the first place. I do believe that there are always the horror stories that circulate like the one where:

"the Dominant sought to restore stability in the primary relationship by introducing a third person into the dynamic."

It's perfectly legitimate to ask the $64,000.00 question of "WHY?", what is the rationale and explanation for changing the dynamic to include another person? It's a straight forward issue - and hopefully absent of the warning bells in our scenario up above. Unfortunately it's instances like this - that don't help the perception of poly.

If a dynamic hasn't seriously considered all of the ramifications, hard work and possible avenues for the added dynamic -- then that situation may have more than a handful of stumbling blocks. Because when you consider the intricate nature of relationships between JUST two people -- those complexities multiply in triplicate in a multi-dimensional relationship. Every single one of the basic canons of our relationship principles are instantly amplified: honesty, communication, and trust. Even your typical play-partner arrangement has some degree of negotiation, contemplation and an exchange of thoughts, concerns, feelings and ideas. The main point is to ensure that the balance remains and doesn't suddenly teeter or shift.

Poly families that have successfully extended their dynamic to include others have worked extremely hard to make that happen. It takes a very solid foundation with continual maintenance on the basic tenets of relationships in order to make it work. It's unfortunate that there's the stereotype that all bdsm relationships are polyamorous -- because I do respect the monogamous-minded folks out there and I completely agree that they should be able to practice their monogamy as they wish.

They don't have to have tapioca if they don't want to -- but please maintain some civility to those of use who do want it.

Adding a New Keyword Tag/Label Here....

Normally a subject line like this won't get a lot of attention, but I can assure you that the content below this sentence is probably going to catch your attention of some of you just a little bit.

The new keyword tag/label being introduced here is POLY because after resuming and ultimately concluding continuing discussions on the topic - our relationship has reached a solid point where we are ready to expand our dynamic. Yes, I am in the process of re-writing my profiles and starting the process of deciding what I want. So while this extension is new chapter for us - but it's one that has really been a long time in the making.

danae has repeatedly blogged about poly throughout most of her Journey and what it meant to her. In our various discussions spanning the last 6 years I've welcomed the prospect of perhaps someday making an addition to our dynamic, but most these discussions were mostly philosophical and practicality -- as couples generally do in their variable "what if" type talks that cover everything from "what's your favorite ice cream" to "what do you think about breath play.."

So the genesis of the concept around poly really started from the beginning of our relationship. We approached the situation with the necessary seriousness and contemplation that one would hope a major path decision like this would take. It wasn't until we started discussing it recently that we both came to the consensus that we're ready to move forward with it.

Okaaaaaaaaaay.... what does that mean? It means that starting right now, I am beginning the process of seeking other relationships outside of the one I currently have with danae. Other relationships can be defined as casual as an occasional play partner all the way to a deeper D/s possible M/s relationship. How that intertwines with my M/s relationship with danae depends on the dynamic that evolves over time. Obviously the casual play partners don't take the relationship exit off-ramp, but those interested in traveling down that road must remember the basic fundamental process in how relationships evolve in general.

A lot of discussions, a lot of getting to know one another, a lot of assessment of how the chemistry is and how the general feeling is between two people. danae will be a part of this process because I choose her to be apart of this process. she does have a say in all of this because she has a vested interest in what happens as well.

If you're wondering though "How does danae feel about all of this?" then look no further. she spells it out very plainly and if you have questions -- feel free to contact either of us: My email and her email

So you're reading post #1 with the new tag/label of POLY. It's not the first time I've blogged about poly" -- but I think you'll see the very gradual transition of thought to where we are today.

What Time Does to Us.....

I've been debating about whether to blog about this or not..

The whole Facebook phenomenon is just ... weird ...

I've reconnected with folks and overall it's been a nice experience.. Most folks seem genuine, they are helpful, funny and not like the rag-tag hormone driven kids I remember.. In a big way -- it's been nice to see all of us grown up.. Several people having kids, enjoying their respective hobbies, being successful, etc.. etc.. And I will admit -- it's kinda cool..

But yes - I did already blog about this this time last year.. Yet this is a little different..

Thanks to Facebook - I didn't have to expose myself to the unwanted type things that I anticipated would transpire ... and I'm very glad in a way that I didn't go.. For one - there would've been the very uncomfortable confrontation with an ex-girlfriend that would've been very unsavory.. But then there's the smattering of other things I'm finding out about my teenage cohorts:

- Some are Republicans ....
- Some are devout Christians ... which isn't that surprising in general, but a small selection of folks that found their religion -- when they were a bit of hell-raisers in school *is* a tad askew...
- Some of their interests are .... "wow"

And yet as I type this -- I'm not sure what I would've expected.. I guess it's comforting to know that some people grew up while others still seem like they're struggling a little bit.. I see a culmination of "how-we-got-here" moments and the totality of it is overwhelming I guess...

Okay - now I'm just rambling....