Poly Puzzler

(Just a reminder to folks -- I hardly ever blog here anymore -- I'm over on LiveJournal as LordSpooner, so if you want to follow me over there - that'd be great.)

A friend of ours posted something in her LJ that got us both thinking about the puzzle with poly. Namely the issues of polyfidelity, exclusiveness and the "primary problem" that sometimes exists. While there is no one true universal way to approach poly, I'm bestowing the standard caveat that everyone's mileage will vary. I have been simmering some thoughts on the subject and I believe I've come to some realizations about where I wanted to go with this post.

First off, I'm comfortable in the fact that there are certain elements I'm about to go into here that I consider to be pliable, mailable and subject to change. This isn't to say that we shouldn't have a certain amount of goals and parameters for our relationships. But we're not approaching this search that we will eventually have to "settle" on some things. I do believe there's a lot of room for negotiation and chemistry between everyone ultimately helps resolves this issue, but for now, there are a few subjects that I wanted to put out there.

Polyfidelity -- For some reason, the word "fidelity" always meant something totally different whenever I heard it, so when you add poly to it -- my mind just hiccups every time it sees it. However, the concept behind polyfidelity is exactly what we're looking for. To us, polyfidelity signifies one's investment in the dynamic. In my eyes, we're investing in them - so it seems only natural that they in turn want to invest in us. It's not that I hold anything against those that have an open relationship - I don't, but it's not exactly what we're seeking.

That's why we've characterized our search for a bona-fide triad where our girl will have a relationship with myself as well as with danae. While I have nothing against "V" dynamics - it's just not what we're seeking. We're really hopeful that we will find someone that wants to be apart of both of our lives, not just with myself or just with danae.

But there's a perception in the community as a whole that we're looking for the stereotypical "unicorn" or the infamous HBB (hot bi-babe) phenomenon. We're not. "Unicorns" are treated as very superficially, and typically in it "just for the sex" -- again -- while we have no problem with others pursuing this for themselves, it's not what we're seeking for the long term. Yes, I fully expect times when we're all intimate together in that "wickedly awesome threesome that every guy dreams about" but for us -- it's about going grocery shopping together or with one or the other. It's about spending quality time just enjoying each other's company on a Sunday morning, fixing breakfast, sipping coffee and going through Sunday morning advertisements, laughing and singing to 70's music on satellite radio. It's about snuggling for naps, it's about passionate love, caring, and sense of couple-dom in a triad environment. It's deeper than the sex - tantric almost - and something that touches the core of who we are.

Yes - there's an M/s side to owning two women that I love deep down and I don't make too many apologies for being possessive. It's a sign of security, that comfort zone that you're loved, wanted, cherished and protected. And if our poly girl is being shared in other dynamics -- I almost feel like I can't control and protect if there are multiple relationships in the process. There would be an entirely different wing of dramatics and issues that would strain the dynamic.

Which I realize some dynamics are totally okay with. Maybe it's how I'm investing myself - or maybe it's how my "fixer" personality fault is coming out.

But how fair is that?

To be that exclusive ... when you're not in that "primary spot."

*sighs*

Which brings us to an entirely different conversation of the use of "primary, first, second, third...." Because both danae and I honestly believe that there's no need to have a division like that in the kind of poly dynamic we want. We don't want the strata, we don't want the label of "first and second" nor do we care to think of someone as being outside of our relationship. To us, poly is the joining and merging by including someone else in a dynamic that aspires to be equal to one another.

And I know there are those out there that aspire to be the same.

But the classic example is Thanksgiving - when our families do not know about the dynamic or the bdsm aspect to our lives -- how does that get played out? I've been with danae for over 6 years - coming up on 7 .... and thus my family and hers have accepted the fact that we're together - as a couple (even though they also think we're living in sin - but that's another story.) So when we finally find the one for us -- and she comes with us because she's family too ... then "oh, she must be a friend of Michael and danae's....." "Where is she going to sleep?" "Why does she spend a lot of time with them?"

On some level, there's a degree of acceptance of situations like that - not just for the fact that it's an external issue outside of the dynamic, but an acceptance inside how we feel about that when it happens. We'd want our girl to be a part of us - and that's everything, but sometimes those obstacles keep that from happening. I do know that I would take it very personally if my girl felt like an outcast and that would be something heavily discussed from the onset.

Maybe I'm over thinking all this. But as I hear about other people's horror stories about their failed poly relationships - I do believe giving these issues the proper contemplation and foresight is a good thing.

We want something permanent.
We want something lasting.
We want someone who is going to be happy and content, who wants to stay with us and be apart of our lives as much as we want to be apart of hers.

The Poly Puzzler is a challenging one that requires a LOT of thoughtful consideration, honesty and communication. Merely being poly-minded isn't enough, but it is a start. Admitting what our deep down desires are is not an easy endeavor because we may try to convince ourselves: "Oh, we can do that." or "That's doable" when in fact it might be totally doable for the short term -- but after a year, will you still feel the same?

Lots to think about and lots to discuss during the course of our search.

(Special thanks to wenchalicious for inspiring the thought process that led to this blog. A good deep topic to contemplate.)