Am I Really Ready for This?

It's not an easy answer.

Couples and single people thinking about delving into the poly arena have a lot to really mull over before they should stick the proverbial toe in the water.

1.) Poly comes in all shapes and sizes. . .

Just like most things in life - we have variety. We can shop around to find the right fit, the right situation, the ideal for what works best - is essential for any sort of success in the larger duration.

Just keep in mind that there are a full buffet of stereotypes in the world about what poly is and what it isn't. Being poly doesn't mean everyone has to be bisexual. Being poly doesn't mean that you sleep with everyone that steps into the house. Being poly doesn't mean you can be loaned out or chatteled to anyone else. There's a ton of assuming statements about poly - all, none or some of which - may apply in the dynamic you are considering.

2.) Definitions, parameters and blueprints. . .

Even after we accept and grasp all of the shapes and sizes poly has to offer, doesn't always mean that there's a clear cut definition of what it could look like. Most articles and references try to stay within the most common forms of poly: the traditional triad and the V-shape. But there is also the N-dynamic, the open poly, and the polyfideltious types out there too.

There's many combinations in various degrees with options, standards and other formulative things that go into that picture. The important thing to remember is that there IS no one right or wrong way to do it.

3.) Roles and Places

It's not just about understanding what type of dynamic you're about to enter - but to understand the positioning and roles that come with it. Even though danae and I abhor the labels that get applied in the poly world, we do have to live within an abysmal set of guidelines set forth by our vanilla guardians.

In most cases - there will be the feeling of: "oh, she was here first" ... because analogously -- even if you have identical twins born at the same time - one of them will come out before the other. Parents will love their children - regardless of who came out first. Whether they were separated by a year, two-years or ten.

Poly *can* work in the same way, but do not assume that it *will* work in the same way. Some poly relationships enforce a hierarchy, a pecking order that is disciplined and laid out. We resist that as much as we humanly can because we ultimately want someone who wants to feel like family - mitigate who was here first and who wasn't.

"Am I going to be comfortable with my role and place in this dynamic?"

Talking, communicating, and understanding - as completely as possible - what the nature of that role is going to be ... is the crucial aspect of this. It has to be something that is understood by everyone - so that it can then move forward together.

4.) Weighing out the intangibles. . .beforehand. . .

This part is never going to be completed. Even with as many situations that can be planned out and forecasted - invariably we come across things like "what happens at Thanksgiving and Christmas?" "Can we hold hands in public?" "What happens when all three, four or twelve of us are in public?" "Who gets to sleep where, when, and how?" "How are conflicts going to be handled in the dynamic?" "Who does the dishes?" "Who does the laundry?" "Will I have to work?" "Will I have a place to myself?" "How can I introduce you to my friends, family, associates?" "How will sex happen?" "Am I expected to be bisexual?" etc. etc. etc. etc.

This list is never going to be completely filled out - even after the dynamic is in full swing and going forward. It's rational and sane to think of the eventualities, but it's very important to have the ongoing communication and conversation about such things as they come up.

5.) Open It Up. . .

Even though there's many forms that poly can take - at the foundation, there has to be an acceptance of the other parts of the dynamic. It's not about everyone needing to be bisexual with everyone else. Sex has nothing to do with it. It's about opening ourselves for the good of the family. It's about caring for the dynamic as a whole - just as much as you care for the primary relationship you have in the dynamic. Not just understanding the dynamic as it pertains to you personally, but how others int he family are also affected. Stability, openness, acceptance and a common embrace for what is sought in the dynamic is one of the most important keys to the success of the poly relationship.

6.) Timesharing. . .

Most of us have problems when it comes to sharing. Whether it's sharing a toy when we're younger or sharing a meal with someone or to share a ride with someone. In relationships, we're taught not to share except with friends, family, co-workers, congregation, chess club, etc. In fact, we're taught to avoid other people's relationships - not share within them.

So - the concept of timesharing with your partner in a poly relationship is often conflicting with what we've been taught. In monogamous relationships - there's security, a dependence of a singularity, a devotion to one that isn't shared with others. Poly has security, a dependence on the dynamic and a devotion to one another that is shared.

Of course there are messed up poly dynamics, but there are equally messed up monogamous ones too. How many times have we seen monogamous couples where the man or the woman is flirting with someone else? The other half of that monogamous relationship gets a little pissed off, right? That's because there's a blast of messages going off internally:

"why is he looking at her?
what does he see in her?
what does she have that I don't?
how can he fall for ... that?"

Insecurities hit, questions arise and all of a sudden, there's a flood of other questions about devotion and dedication. This is where I think our hetero magazines (eg. Maxim, Cosmo) that feed our insecurities about ourselves about how we've just read "10 ways to know your guy is cheating."

"Oh my god! He's eye-scanning this chick, that was number 6 in last month's Cosmo!!!!"
"She's dressing more provacatively, I wonder if she's trying to impress the milkman, her boss or the security guard she keeps talking about."

So we have to take a few steps back at ourselves - to understand the sources of why we react the way we do. There are fears, memories, experiences and pre-molded mental processes associated with those sources. If we understand them - then we can better articulate them when the "thing" surfaces.

7.) Honesty! The Only Policy Out There. . .

It starts with you.

Yes you.

When you can sit down and think through the various polyamorous tangents and issues out there - this is when you start defining poly for yourself and the Path you're on. It's okay to have some gray "undecided-ness" about poly.

But -

...there does come a point in the process where you'll have to make an honest decision about poly. It's okay to embrace one or two or a few different flavors of poly as you see fit. It's okay to have some reasonable expectations of how you want poly to work for you.

8.) Square Peg, Meet Round Hole. . .

It's perfectly acceptable to reach the end of this and go: "nope."

No one is going to judge you and if they do - then it was a good thing that it didn't work out because there shouldn't be pressure for you to pick a side to be on. Poly is not for everyone. It doesn't make you a bad person, a bad submissive or a bad slave. Anyone equating guilt or pressure to you, be sure to have them quote in the official rule book where it says they have to be poly or a specific brand of poly. (pssst, it doesn't exist!)

9.) Celebrate Yourself!

However you end up on the Path in your life - is yours to keep. We're all unique and very different. You have a lot to offer, someone or someone(s) -- so embrace that. When we are comfortable in who we are - life just flows better.