Am I Really Ready for This?

It's not an easy answer.

Couples and single people thinking about delving into the poly arena have a lot to really mull over before they should stick the proverbial toe in the water.

1.) Poly comes in all shapes and sizes. . .

Just like most things in life - we have variety. We can shop around to find the right fit, the right situation, the ideal for what works best - is essential for any sort of success in the larger duration.

Just keep in mind that there are a full buffet of stereotypes in the world about what poly is and what it isn't. Being poly doesn't mean everyone has to be bisexual. Being poly doesn't mean that you sleep with everyone that steps into the house. Being poly doesn't mean you can be loaned out or chatteled to anyone else. There's a ton of assuming statements about poly - all, none or some of which - may apply in the dynamic you are considering.

2.) Definitions, parameters and blueprints. . .

Even after we accept and grasp all of the shapes and sizes poly has to offer, doesn't always mean that there's a clear cut definition of what it could look like. Most articles and references try to stay within the most common forms of poly: the traditional triad and the V-shape. But there is also the N-dynamic, the open poly, and the polyfideltious types out there too.

There's many combinations in various degrees with options, standards and other formulative things that go into that picture. The important thing to remember is that there IS no one right or wrong way to do it.

3.) Roles and Places

It's not just about understanding what type of dynamic you're about to enter - but to understand the positioning and roles that come with it. Even though danae and I abhor the labels that get applied in the poly world, we do have to live within an abysmal set of guidelines set forth by our vanilla guardians.

In most cases - there will be the feeling of: "oh, she was here first" ... because analogously -- even if you have identical twins born at the same time - one of them will come out before the other. Parents will love their children - regardless of who came out first. Whether they were separated by a year, two-years or ten.

Poly *can* work in the same way, but do not assume that it *will* work in the same way. Some poly relationships enforce a hierarchy, a pecking order that is disciplined and laid out. We resist that as much as we humanly can because we ultimately want someone who wants to feel like family - mitigate who was here first and who wasn't.

"Am I going to be comfortable with my role and place in this dynamic?"

Talking, communicating, and understanding - as completely as possible - what the nature of that role is going to be ... is the crucial aspect of this. It has to be something that is understood by everyone - so that it can then move forward together.

4.) Weighing out the intangibles. . .beforehand. . .

This part is never going to be completed. Even with as many situations that can be planned out and forecasted - invariably we come across things like "what happens at Thanksgiving and Christmas?" "Can we hold hands in public?" "What happens when all three, four or twelve of us are in public?" "Who gets to sleep where, when, and how?" "How are conflicts going to be handled in the dynamic?" "Who does the dishes?" "Who does the laundry?" "Will I have to work?" "Will I have a place to myself?" "How can I introduce you to my friends, family, associates?" "How will sex happen?" "Am I expected to be bisexual?" etc. etc. etc. etc.

This list is never going to be completely filled out - even after the dynamic is in full swing and going forward. It's rational and sane to think of the eventualities, but it's very important to have the ongoing communication and conversation about such things as they come up.

5.) Open It Up. . .

Even though there's many forms that poly can take - at the foundation, there has to be an acceptance of the other parts of the dynamic. It's not about everyone needing to be bisexual with everyone else. Sex has nothing to do with it. It's about opening ourselves for the good of the family. It's about caring for the dynamic as a whole - just as much as you care for the primary relationship you have in the dynamic. Not just understanding the dynamic as it pertains to you personally, but how others int he family are also affected. Stability, openness, acceptance and a common embrace for what is sought in the dynamic is one of the most important keys to the success of the poly relationship.

6.) Timesharing. . .

Most of us have problems when it comes to sharing. Whether it's sharing a toy when we're younger or sharing a meal with someone or to share a ride with someone. In relationships, we're taught not to share except with friends, family, co-workers, congregation, chess club, etc. In fact, we're taught to avoid other people's relationships - not share within them.

So - the concept of timesharing with your partner in a poly relationship is often conflicting with what we've been taught. In monogamous relationships - there's security, a dependence of a singularity, a devotion to one that isn't shared with others. Poly has security, a dependence on the dynamic and a devotion to one another that is shared.

Of course there are messed up poly dynamics, but there are equally messed up monogamous ones too. How many times have we seen monogamous couples where the man or the woman is flirting with someone else? The other half of that monogamous relationship gets a little pissed off, right? That's because there's a blast of messages going off internally:

"why is he looking at her?
what does he see in her?
what does she have that I don't?
how can he fall for ... that?"

Insecurities hit, questions arise and all of a sudden, there's a flood of other questions about devotion and dedication. This is where I think our hetero magazines (eg. Maxim, Cosmo) that feed our insecurities about ourselves about how we've just read "10 ways to know your guy is cheating."

"Oh my god! He's eye-scanning this chick, that was number 6 in last month's Cosmo!!!!"
"She's dressing more provacatively, I wonder if she's trying to impress the milkman, her boss or the security guard she keeps talking about."

So we have to take a few steps back at ourselves - to understand the sources of why we react the way we do. There are fears, memories, experiences and pre-molded mental processes associated with those sources. If we understand them - then we can better articulate them when the "thing" surfaces.

7.) Honesty! The Only Policy Out There. . .

It starts with you.

Yes you.

When you can sit down and think through the various polyamorous tangents and issues out there - this is when you start defining poly for yourself and the Path you're on. It's okay to have some gray "undecided-ness" about poly.

But -

...there does come a point in the process where you'll have to make an honest decision about poly. It's okay to embrace one or two or a few different flavors of poly as you see fit. It's okay to have some reasonable expectations of how you want poly to work for you.

8.) Square Peg, Meet Round Hole. . .

It's perfectly acceptable to reach the end of this and go: "nope."

No one is going to judge you and if they do - then it was a good thing that it didn't work out because there shouldn't be pressure for you to pick a side to be on. Poly is not for everyone. It doesn't make you a bad person, a bad submissive or a bad slave. Anyone equating guilt or pressure to you, be sure to have them quote in the official rule book where it says they have to be poly or a specific brand of poly. (pssst, it doesn't exist!)

9.) Celebrate Yourself!

However you end up on the Path in your life - is yours to keep. We're all unique and very different. You have a lot to offer, someone or someone(s) -- so embrace that. When we are comfortable in who we are - life just flows better.

The Standards Problem

Standards standards standards.... We're surrounded by them daily - a standard for what's appropriate for what we watch on TV, the standard of living - which measures our cost of living and wages. We have standards that govern how we live, how we act, and we have medical standards that tell us how to determine if we have kidney stones vs. just having bad gas.

When it comes to the lifestyle - we are an expansive spectrum spread out from one end to the other. We each have our own little things we like, dislike and we all have our own little niche that we self-identify with. We have our own philosophies, backgrounds and other intangibles that life has thrown at us in the course of our years. We're all different to one another - just as we are different in the normal scheme of life.

The lifestyle is widely diverse and in some instances, we get tossed in with the pedophiles, bigamists, serial killers and anything else consider in the "other" category.

To that end - I understand why some might want to place limitations and standards so that we can stand up and go: "we are different, but we come in peace..."

But trying to define our lifestyle is like roping a dozen bulls in an arena with twine....

Historically, society copes with different standards rather elastically and work sort of like a giant funnel. With laws governing us in the broadest sense of society - all the way to our personally held beliefs - we ultimately make the decision for ourselves what is right and what isn't. Since we're all busy being tiny little snowflakes, differences are bound to happen and opinions are almost always going to rub someone the wrong way.

When it comes to the application of standards in the lifestyle - I'm always a bit unnerved and very skeptical. It's not that I condone heinous, brutal acts of rape, death and other incorrigible behavior - but we're all supposed to be adults in this thing. We constantly take personal responsibility for the choices we make every day -- so why do we need standards to give us "approval?" The fundamental flaw with standards is the inability to arrive at a single common definition that can cover the spectrum fairly.

Whose standards are we going to use?

Back in 2008, I blogged about the superiority complex in the use of Safe, Sane and Consensual. David Stein, the originator of S.S.C. later regretted how the phrase has evolved into what it has become today.

Why?

Because folks are taking S.S.C. and turning it into some sort of crusade. Which was not the aim and goal Mr. Stein set out with over 20 years ago. He derived the phrase as a means to assure the vanillas that gay men in the leather community were not a threat. As the internet flourished, so did the notion of S.S.C. Most everyone who starts in the lifestyle - learns S.S.C. at some point. Many adopt it into their lives and others move beyond the concept.

For the record: I'm okay with those that want to embrace S.S.C. and apply it for themselves. If it's a belief that you want to convert from Mr. Stein - then have at it.

But...

Please recognize that you are misapplying Mr. Stein's work by attempting to standardize the entire lifestyle by safe, sane and consensual.

Here's where the overreaching standards start coming into play.

It's not as though I want everyone out there to practice unsafe, insane and non-consenting stuff ... but if you do - then do what you very well want. That's the beauty of the lifestyle - just as it is in music ... you listen to what you want. You have your favorites and you listen to the same play list over and over again. Just because I don't happen to like thrash metal or rap - doesn't give Me the right to condemn your musical tastes. My musical preferences are not any better or any worse than yours. The lifestyle isn't any different.

Just because you may not be into watersports, hoods or objectification doesn't reflect one iota on either of us. It's My cup of tea, and doesn't happen to be yours. No harm. No foul. It's okay to have preferences, likes and dislikes.

But now the superiority complex starts coming into play.

What I can never really understand why we have to try to put our nose out there that one way is better than the other. If we can agree that we are different people, coming from different philosophies, entering the lifestyle from different vantage points, wanting/craving/desiring different things in life - then why do we have to conform to a single set of ideals that put up barriers and limitations as to what is and what isn't acceptable?

I do realize that for some people, making distinctions is a way to confirm their own Path. That - by condoning some, while condemning what others do - makes them feel more ... sane ... in their own lifestyle choices. Security in their roots - that justify their Path in the lifestyle while dismissing and otherwise condemning the Path others take. An insecurity that allows them to mentally process that their course is justified - even if they fail to see the same clarity in others.

The Standards Problem:

So what standard are we going to apply then?

If we look at the legal standard - everyone who practices some level of s&m is technically in violation of the law in most states. How is that so? There's no such thing as consensual assault as an affirmative defense, nor is there such a thing for consensual bondage or consensual confinement. Legally - even a spanking can be considered a low level assault in the most literal of definitions.

If we look at the moral standard - I have yet to come across a religion or common principle that advocates, protects and otherwise condones s&m, d/s and M/s despite some interpretations that the Bible makes mention of subservient women serving man ... etc etc etc... The Bible - at its core is an interpretation unless you happen to know Aramaic. Not to mention that the literal sense of the Bible is naturally going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. So the Bible becomes .... malleable.

So let's look at the mental health standard. We're gaining some ground since the DSM-IV came out several years ago. Paraphilias are currently being reclassified and separated out as not necessarily being a mental disorder. However, as it is with most doctors - it's completely subjective. One doctor saying that s&m behavior can be considered normal - while another one can interject that it's a mental disorder. Even though the DSM-5 is looking to make significant changes to how mental professionals see paraphilias - there will still remain differences of opinion about whether s&m type behavior is product of an actual defect, or whether it has become the crusade of the professional to help cure us ... as was the practice for homosexuals for a really long time. One can still find mental health professionals that would offer their "professional" opinion that homosexuals are a disorder even though the vast consensus there is no such deficiency.

But why can't we use S.S.C. as a standard for the lifestyle?

"Don't we want to be safe?"
"Don't we want to be sane?"
"Don't we want to do stuff consensually?"

Once more, by whose standards?

Some think that when you draw blood - that's not sane nor safe. "One person's limit is another person's kink."

But what about "C" in S.S.C.?

The "C" for consensuality - remains the one constant that can be relied upon in nearly every dynamic across the board. Without consent - it becomes force. And I'm not confusing forced scenes or anything of that like because in nearly every one of those situations, consent *did* happen in one form or another. If it didn't - then the tumblers begin to fall down. Whether it's a nod, a wink, or some signal that the approach is ok'd and verified ... consent is given.

Why is consent so important?

As I said from the onset - we're all adults here. We approach the lifestyle as willing participants ... each with our own limits, lines, likes, dislikes, preferences and desires. Even someone who wants consent taken off the table does make the choice of who they associate - and who they are willing to go into that non-consenting mindset. Whether it's implied or overtly communicated - the choice is made as to what they will allow to happen in their lives.

That's why I choose to live closer to the likes of R.A.C.K. than I do S.S.C. Risk Aware - Consensual Kink does seem to cover the umbrella of knowing what you're getting into - and accepting all that can potentially happen. It's the acceptance of risk - not unlike when we step into an automobile to drive to the grocery store. We assume the risk that an accident might happen - or that we might be subject to a criminal act while in the store. We are living, breathing Risk Aware folks and many folks don't even know it.

So by writing this entry - am I petitioning that R.A.C.K. become the lifestyle standard?

Nope. It happens to work for Me and danae. I do not advocate anyone else to embrace, reject or acknowledge any one particular standard out there if you don't want to. We don't have to follow one another. We're all unique. Educate yourself. Read. Ask questions. Ask more questions. Read some more, then take what parts you like - discard the parts you don't. That's life.

It's okay to be yourself.

It's okay to follow the principles of more than one person and to craft your Path as defined by several people, few people or by no one. If there's one principle to live by - is the concept of consensual behavior. Let's play, have fun, push every limit in the book that we want and care to, but let's be responsible adults in the process.

We don't need standards nor do we have to police each other's behavior - as long as we remain true to ourselves and the Path we seek.